September 16 2016 -Contemplating polyamory

I remember sitting in my tiny little home that was built out of a sun deck. A 9-foot ceiling in my bedroom, with a window that caught the sunrise. Downstairs was the hobbit hole underneath the sun deck—a whole 4-foot-tall room, with two queen-size foamies, that was my pillow den. Then three steps further down was a small kitchen, maybe 6 feet tall, and a tiny bathroom. This was my cocoon—my chrysalis, if you will. There was by no means space for more than one person. This was where I was putting all the pieces back together to become someone new.

As summer comes to an end, I feel as though I’m spending the last few days with a dear friend before they leave me. I know the sun will make an appearance whenever it’s possible to break through the clouds. However, the warmth of the summer sun in fleeting. I didn’t get to spend enough time hiking or camping this summer. Thank god I made it to Hawaii. I look forward to another trip. So much traveling to do in this life time.

Yet as the sun leaves, I find it harder to stay happy and optimistic. I’m lonely. I’m also too scared to change that. I don’t know if I’ll find “true love.” But I’m not willing to settle for less. I’m not willing to settle. Period. I don’t want to move. I love my house. It’s clearly only big enough for one person, so I won’t be “moving in” with anyone any time soon—if ever.

I have a rough idea of what I want in a partner, but I have no idea if I’ll ever find someone like that. Which is why it seems logical to have multiple partners. Because I’m into everything. I don’t want any limitations in life. I don’t think I’ll find anyone who is into everything I’m into.

Someone who can not only keep up with me but encourage me to keep up with them! That would be incredible.
However, what if I could have:

• a sensual partner who loves to dance and do romantic things,
• a kinky partner who loves to have sex all the time, explore every aspect of it, and get wild and playful,
• a partner who is active and wants to go hiking, camping, swimming, rock climbing, bike riding, and off-roading—always up for an adventure,
• a person who is spiritual, who meditates, loves yoga, wants to have deep, meaningful conversations about the world, life, and manifestation—who believes they can create anything and then actually makes it happen,
• a person who loves to socialize, party, meet new people, go for drinks, attend fun events, who doesn’t care what time it is and can keep going all night without needing drugs to keep up with everyone.

What if I had all these partners whenever I wanted them? What if they all knew about each other, and even better, what if they all got along? Because I highly doubt I will ever find a single person who embodies all of these qualities. If that one person existed, I wouldn’t need anyone else. I would have all that I ever wanted in one person. I would truly fall in love with that one person—and no one else. Life would be perfect

Looking back on this, I can really see where my early ideas about polyamory were rooted. At the time, I told myself I was poly because I wanted one man to do everything with me—and I couldn’t imagine finding someone who could meet me on all those levels. It seemed the only logical solution was to find multiple people who could each meet different needs, so I’d never have to feel disappointed… or alone.

But what I didn’t realize then was that I wasn’t just craving variety—I was trying to protect myself from vulnerability. From putting too much weight on one connection. I thought if I spread my needs out across many people, no one would become my whole world, and I wouldn’t be at risk of losing everything if one person walked away.

Since then, I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned how to do things alone, how to love my own company, and how to build deeper friendships that also meet my need for connection and adventure—without it having to be romantic or sexual. I’ve realized I don’t need one partner to be everything for me. And I don’t need multiple partners just to avoid feeling alone. What I really want is connection that feels real—where I don’t have to hold back or shrink parts of myself to fit into someone else’s world.

I want to feel free to live my full life, explore, grow, and have adventures—with or without a partner. And if someone comes along who wants to walk beside me, who’s just as excited to build something meaningful together without trying to control or limit me—that would be beautiful. But either way, I know I’m whole on my own.